Our Party descended to the Show-ground and I am content to gratify the curious Reader with a Catalogue of the Tryals and Contests I observed.
Contest of Remedys for the Flatus of Live-stock
Various learned Doctors presented Remedys to assembled Crouds for reducing or eliminating the noxious Flatus of Animals. In some cases Pipes were inserted in the Orifice of the Fundament or Anus of various Beeves and Cows. These Pipes were then led to Holes in the Ground to carry the Harmful Vapours into sub-terranean Caves. In other Remedys the Pipes were led to the Mouth of the Creature and attached there using a form of fixed Bridle. This was known as theCircular or Closed System. Employing a Series of Spigots and a Bellows included in the System the Doctors were able to draw Flatus from inside the Creatures by opening the Bellows and then, by closing off certain Spigots and shutting the Bellows, drive the Gas into the Mouth. I observed that some Cattell and Sheep so accoutred and used in this Manner died on the Spot. Other Doctors of Physick conducted Experiments with Restringents[25] and enteric Tinctures[26] with the Design of restraining or eliminating entirely the Movements of the Bowels of Cows, Oxen and Sheep. I apprehended some Yews and Rams that had taken Part in this Experiment that were also Dead. These divers Experiments were attended with a lamentable Lowing and Bellowing of Animals.
The Removal of the purulent Matter from Falling Leaves
Some Projectors toiled at Contrivances for preventing the falling of Leaves from Trees. These consisted of forms of sticky Pitch and Gums which were smeared on Leaves while still on the Trees to attach them in Permanence. I also witnessed Devices resembling small Bags and Nets fixed under each Branch to arrest the Descent of Leaves to the Earth. The Leaves collected in this Manner would be buried in large Pits in the Ground.
The Volcano-stopping Contest
A Professor had discovered that great Quantities of a Natural Gas of the Species burning a Hole in the Sky issued from the Island’s Volcano. He conjectured that the Quantity of Vapour produced in this way was greater than that created by all Human Industry. This Volcano had never caused Harm to the Inhabitants but the Professor and some in Rivalry with him laboured diligently at inventing Plugs and Stoppers with which to clog the Volcano, Rafts whereby to transport them to the Island of the Volcano and Scaffolding and Hoists whereby to raise them to the Rim.
The Contest of the Fire Machines
Khelat told me that the King had instituted a Bucket Brigade[27] in the town and issued an Edict whereby every Citizen must keep a filled Bucket of Water on his Door Step in the event of Fire in Bakers or in Residences. All such Events had, hitherto, been successfully addressed in this Manner. In spight of this in one part of the Ground was a Contest for the best Contrivance made for the quenching of the Fires that would spring up in the End of Days. There was an Array of Machines, Contraptions and Engines that had been imagined and executed by Khiliasts as a Pass-time. Some of the Machines were fixed on the Earth. Others were mounted on Waggons. Every Kind of Materials including Pistons, Piston-rods, Syringes, Screws, Pumps, Rain-water Cisterns, Tubs, Buckets, Ropes, Cordage, Cables, Webbing, Hose-pipes and Leather (a particular Dispensation had been granted for its Use in this Respect) in every Combination conceived by the Genius of Man was in Evidence. There was also a Collection of Mats on Sticks and Canes for the beating of Fires. Much Time was devoted to demonstrating the Operation of the Contrivances and Inventions. Some of the Machines were notable for it being possible to convert them into Pumps for use against Flouds, Deluges and Inundations. Khelat gave me to understand that some of these Inventions from earlier Festivals had proved of Use in improving on the Bucket Brigades and in emptying Dry-docks of Sea-water.
The Ark
On our Arrival it was evident that this Vessel was almost completed. Khelat told me that, on the Morning after the Festival it would be dragged on the Trunks of Trees by an Hundred Labourers with Cables to its Resting-place on the shoar by the Town and raised onto the new Trestle waiting there. Then it would be filled with Victuals for the Moment when the Ocean rose and a few chosen Inhabitants were obliged to put out to Sea.
Substitutes for Meat and Leather
Cooks, under the Direction of Virtuosi, dressed Vegetable Matter made from Nuts, Bark, Seeds, Dust, Grit from the Ground and Wood Shavings to look like Meat, fashioning it in the Shape of Chitterlings[28], Hams, Joynts and Loins of Meat in order to deceive those consuming it that it was the Flesh of Animals. Professors from the Panel took turns to taste the Dishes offered. I witnessed some privately spitting the Fare on the Ground in manifest Disgust.
Cobblers strove to make Shooes and Gloves from the Leaves of Palms. Cloaths were prepared using Paper from old Books. These Cloaths were largely used to make the Livery for Servants.
Domes for when the sky falls in
A considerable number of Engineers and Smyths worked at the Manufacture of Iron Domes. Most were not so wide by ten Paces as the Cupola at St Paul’s but of a Bigness sufficient to be placed over single Houses by being raised there by Pullys. Metal Plates were attached together with Bolts to form a Protection against the Falling of the Sky and the Clouds onto the Houses. A Dispensation was given for the Employment of Furnaces for this Purpose. Many of the Domes had small Windows let into them against the Darkness they would cause in the Houses and they were also supplied with Doors at their Rim.
Vehicles not pulled by Horse-power
In this Contest means were sought whereby Vehicles could be propelled using other Means than Horses, Oxen and Asses because of the Danger and harmful Effect of their excessive Flatus. I spied Vehicles driven by large Springes of the Type used in Gins[29] and Traps that were compressed by being wound like Clock-work by Servants. I also saw Waggons with Sails known as Eolian Waggons which would only Run on Days when the Wind blew. Other Learned Men were working at the making of Carriages known as Down-hill Carriages that had to be raised up Hills and pulled on Flat Ground using Cables by Teams of Attendants just as Close chairs[30] are transported. One Projector was greatly satisfied by a Scheme that he considered would remove two Difficulties at a Stroak. He had harnessed two Asses behind a Waggon with their Noses touching the Waggon. By scituating Cones made of Metal with their narrowest Point in the Anus of the Creatures and obliging a Servant bearing a Torch to light the Flatus of the Beasts whenever it emerged it was hoped that the Vehicle could be driven forward. For this Purpose sets of small Wheels were attached to the Hooves of the Creatures. Another Projector worked with Load-Stones[31] placed in Vehicles. A group of Attendants were directed to run before the Vehicle carrying another Load-Stone while a further Group with a third Load-Stone ran behind with which to attract or repel the Vehicle and thus cause it to make Progress. Yet another Projector laboured with Retorts, Flasks and Flames in an Enterprize to find Gas from Water that would set Vehicles in Motion by Explosion. His Companion Projector worked at a System of moving Vehicles by Means of a strong Reservoir made in Iron of Ten-Thousand Gallons of Water held at an Elevation of one Hundred Feet by the Use of Stilts. The Vehicles’ four Wheels were in the Form of Water-wheels taken from Mills set in Rivers. At a given Moment Water was released by a Series of Hoses from the Reservoir downwards onto each Wheel to set them in Motion, with the used Water being returned to the Reservoir by other Hoses and Pumps. The chief Difficulty that this Projector strove to overcome was the Transport of the Reservoir behind the Vehicle, Water weighing so heavily as it does that it continually broke the Stilts. He also had a Difficulty in keeping his Passengers dry but was devoting much time to this with his Assistants.
Contest for the Measurement of the Level of the Sea and of the Temperature
In this Contest Projectors and Doctors worked with Rules, Glass Tubes with Calibrations and Scales and Measuring Sticks to record the Rising and Falling of the Sea. These Sticks were of the kind employed in Rivers In England but they differed by reaching to Lengths ten times as long. I also witnessed a Range of Thermoscopes[32], Barometers and Thermometers.
The Enclosure for Moral Contests
One Section of the Circumference of the Show-ground was behind a Cordon. In the area enclosed by the Cordon a range of Moral Contests took place which I will describe below.
The Dance of Abasement
A Stick made of Cane was set on rests attached to two upright Sticks so that the first Stick was parallel to the Horizon. Beneath it Water was thrown so that a large Quantity of Mud was created. Gentlemen from the Nobility removed their fine Coats, their Shooes and their Stockins while retaining their Breeches and their Shirts of Lawn[33]. Each Participant then proclaimed loudly ‘I and my Kind are a disgusting Abomination unworthy to be upon the Earth!’ before competing to creep under the Stick according as it was depressed and to grovel as profoundly into the Dust and Water as possible. The Object was to squander and trample upon their created Humanity as a thing of Derision to a greater Degree than their Fellows could atchieve it. A large Audience observed and applauded this Contest. The Applause was greatest for those who succeeded in abasing themselves to the largest Extent and which arose filthily bemired to the greatest Extream. It was very horrible to see such Refinement and Ornament so willingly and perversely turned to Trash. I was at a Loss to understand why Creatures who thus gave every publick Appearance of despising themselves smiled so much and seemed so satisfied by themselves.
Politeness Contests
In these Contests the Object was to win by exceeding the Politeness of your Rivals. A Door-way was set up on the Ground and Persons of Quality would beg each other, with the making of Reverences[34] and the Removal and flourishing of Hats, to precede them through the Door. The Contest functioned on the Principle of Attrition. The Victor was the Gentleman who succeeded in never accepting his Opponent’s Invitation and shewing superior Virtue in his Want of Selfishness. This Contest was extended to include the Discovery of how many People of divers Races a Gentleman could allow to pass through the Door before him. In so doing he conveyed the worthlessness of his own Race by Comparison. For this Purpose Blackamoor[35]Sailors and some from other Races such as Barbary[36] Arabs pressed into Service on Khiliast Merchant-men were employed often against their Will. There was also a Contest for the Gentlemen who could exhibit a superior Solicitude towards Ladies who dropped their Kerchiefs in the Mud. I observed a wild Scramble in the Mud between four Gentlemen before one of them arose bearing the be-smirched Kerchief victoriously in his Hand. In all of these Contests the Rivals who took Part spent much Time glancing at them selves in their silvered Glasses. I could not forebear thinking that the true Design of the Gentlemen may be the gaining of the Lady’s Favour rather than burnishing the Quality of their Gallantry.
The Contest of the Flagellants
In one Corner of the Section I attested a Variety of Gentlemen and Ladies engaged in beating themselves with Whips, Brambles and Thorns in forms of Mortification of the Flesh of the Kind indulged in by Martin Luther[37]. In this case the Object was to shew how cheaply they counted them selves and their Finery much as the Rivals in the Dance of Abasement had done. The chief Object of their Derision was the Privilege that marked them out as Persons of Quality. I remarked that solely Persons of Quality were permitted to take Part. I saw many, after their Exertions, having their bleeding Wounds dressed and Spines extracted by their Servants and Maids. While these Gentry smiled into their Mirrors, the Servants were also charged with disposing of their Instruments of Self-torture.
The Punishment of Apostates
Also enclosed within the Cordon were Cages, Stocks and Pillories for the Punishment of Skepticks, Heretics and Deniers, such Apostates being confined therein. The Children of the Persons of Quality, given Leave by their Parents, rejoyced in throwing Quantities of purulent Fruit and Vegetables provided to that End at these sorry Creatures. Each Apostate was marked out by the wearing around his or her Neck, instead of a silvered Glass, a Notice on a Thread with Nothing inscribed on it. By means of McCrory Khelat apprized me of the Manner in which the Ignominy of the Victims was made compleat by the Interdiction of the Pursuit of their Livelihood. I apprehended the Sentiment and the Trembling of Khelat occasioned by witnessing this Prospect. He was in no Doubts that, were he discovered, he might suffer a similar Fate for the Sin of dissenting from the Apocalyptick Prognostickations.
The Culmination of the Festival of the Catastrophe in the Frenzy
I was in great Admiration[38] at the Variety and Quality of the Contests and in a Degree of Disquiet of Mind at some. At this Juncture I became sensible of a freckled Maid in a Smock with her hair in Braids issuing from one of the grander Pavilions. I asked Khelat who she was. He told me that she was considered to be the Prophetess who must arise in the Last Days and that she took Part in the Festival each Year. He further informed me that the wealthiest Families paid this Maid handsomely to visit their Pavilions with the Object of denouncing them for the Refinement of their Habit and the Extravagance of the Fare which they consumed and the Wines which they drank. The Maid would point her Finger at them and tell them that they were degenerate Curs mired in the most scandalous Corruption. They were gratified by this for it gave them an exquisite Pleasure and there was great Rivalry amongst the great Families of the Metropolis to be used in this way by the Maid. Indeed, those Families who did not succeed in availing them selves of her Services considered that they had failed to pay their Debts to the Deity.
It was at this Time that Darkness began to fall and our Party witnessed Events which I labour in great Perplexity and Vexation to understand to this Day. The Maid emerged from a grand Pavilion and walked towards the Ark at the Centre of the Show-ground and set her Face in the Direction of the King’s Demesne known as his Kapital at the end of the Valley beyond the Show-ground. At this Signal many Hundreds of Persons of Quality, together with their Children, began to issue from their Tents to form a great Procession behind the Maid. Many Servants and Attendants busied themselves in furnishing their Masters and Mistresses with Objects and Accoutrements. At first they aided them in polishing the finely smelted golden and silver Frames of their Mirrors and the Surface of the Mirrors themselves. They then equipped them with a Variety of Arms including Pikes, Distaffs, Swords and Cudgells. Next this Croud of gentle Folk was provided with Drums, Tambours and Fifes. Some bore Chains that their Valets and Ladies-in-waiting had given to them and others received Brushes, Pots of Paint and Torches into their Hands. They were given Banners which they raised high. On some were Designs depicting a blazing Globe and divers Slogans in Writing. Some of these shewed as – Money is not our God!- The King is to blame! – The Demon Prosperity – Industry is our Downfall! I apprehended that some of the Ladies from the Town had donned Head-gear in the Form of Flames. Many of their Children began to dance wildly about them. I witnessed Four Daughters of the Gentry insert them selves into one continuous Costume, blue in Colour, representing the Sea and the Raising of its Level.
Khelat told me by Means of McRory that the Ritual of the Frenzy was about to begin. The Prophetess carried a strong Staff which she raised at the Head of the Procession before she began to walk in the Direction of the Kapital. The Procession followed her and, at this Point, the Drums and Tambours were beaten, the Fifes were sounded and an Antiphon began, sung by a leading Cantor and answered in Responses by the Crouds in the Procession. We heard –
Cantor – What side are you? Response – Life!
What side is he? Death!
Who are you? The People!
Who are they? The Money!
And who am I? The Sciences!
And who am I? Natural Philosophy![39]
And who will not listen? The ignorant!
And who will not listen? The King!
This Antiphon was repeated and intoned like a Dirge as the Procession advanced. This caused me to give Expression to Khelat to my Fears for the King, his Family and his Court. Khelat answered that the King had learned to make shift to leave his Palace at this time each Year and to stay with his Family, Ministers and Persons of Distinction on his best-equipped Man of War for a few Days a League from Khiliasticabehind the Volcanoe Island until the Frenzy was spent and their Safety could be guaranteed.
I espied that the Procession had reached the iron Gates of the King’s Royal Park. Those who formed the Procession pressed against the Gates and the Walls in which they were set. Some set to dawbing the Walls with red Paint while others tore at the Gates and pulled them down with Chains. A small number attached themselves to Palisadoes with Chains and Locks and refused to yield up the Key. The Majority entered the Park and began to use their Cudgells and Distaffs to beat upon the Walls and Windows of a Smithy placed before the King’s Palace. Khelat told me that each Year the King ordered a Place of Industry such as a Smithy[40] or a Glass-blowing Furnace to be constructed by his Servants in his Park for the Purpose of being destroyed in the Frenzy in this Manner. The Crowd now set Fire to the Smithy and attacked the Walls with great Vehemence loading it and the King with all the Curses and injurious Terms their Language could afford. The King had also required that the Timber for several large Beacon Fires be set in Heaps which the Invaders rejoyced in igniting. They advanced towards the Edifice of the Kapital before which stood the Officers of the King’s Bodyguard with the Design of beginning Skirmishes. Many Threatenings and Injuries were made to the Guard who were struck and dawbed with Paint.
My Brain was more and more disturbed by this Prospect and the Encrease in the Uproar and Tumult of the Attack. Suddenly the Prophetess stepped forward and, after pointing her Finger at the Palace in Accusation, directed a Bugler who accompanied her to give a Blast on his Instrument. Immediately the Beseigers of the Kapital turned from their violent Enterprize and silently departed from the Royal Park in compleat Docility. I conjectured that the Fewel[41] of their Discontent was used and now extinguished. They returned, without talking, in the Direction of the Show-ground and their Tents and Pavilions.
In the Peace that now prevailed I enquired of Khelat the Reason for what we had observed. He told us that the King had come to conceive that his People were desirous, in spight of the great Benefactions he bestowed on them, of demonstrating before the World that they were not his Subjects and Children. The Apocalyptick Prognostickationsgave them Leave to shew to him that their Philosophy of the World was of a superior Complexion to his and that they were greater in Wisdom and in Care for their Children. For a Day they wished to shew that they were the Adults and that the King was no more than a foolish and wayward Child. The good King had understood that, if he allowed the Expression of this Pride to spend itself in the Ritual of the Frenzy each Year without opposing it, the Kingdom would be able to continue in Contentment and Industry with no Harm to him self or his Subjects for the Rest of the Year, a Theory which had been proved in Practice to his Satisfaction. In two Days he and his Court would return to the Kapital.
Khelat confided in me that, in recent times, he had begun a Correspondence in Secrecy with the Minister of the King who was his Cousin. This Minister had given Expression in his Epistles to Khelat of his fear that each year the Ferocity of the Frenzy had encreased. For this Reason he could not forbear from being in Doubt that, one year, the Khiliasts may not murder the royal Guards and destroy the Kapital entirely. In this fear he had laboured in Difficulty to persuade the King of its Justification.
Continuation of A VOYAGE TO THE HOUYHNHNMS
I had several Men died in my Ship of Calentures, so that I was forced to get Recruits out of Barbados, and the Leeward Islands, where I touched by the Direction of the Merchants who employed me, which I had soon too much cause to repent; for I found after-wards that most of them had been Bucaneers………
[1] Telescope
[2] Oxen
[3] Genesis 6-9
[4] Docks
[5] Of low or non-alcoholic content
[6] Exodus 32
[7] A reference to the Great Chain of Being, which was thought to extend, without interruption or break from God to the angels to humans, down to the smallest insect and plants.
[8] Rules concerning a mode of living
[9] Domains or properties
[10] Taxes
[11] A rood or one fourth of an acre
[12] Some early editions spell this as Khapital but it is clear that Swift altered this to Kapital in later editions.
[13] Clothing
[14] Manual workers
[15] A scientist, savant or scholar
[16] Based on members of the Royal Society, chartered in 1662 by Charles II, who carried out “Projects” for the “improvement” or “universal benefit” of mankind, often by means of scientific enquiry.
[17] This refers to polymaths who were expert in areas like Mathematics or Chemistry as well as Theology and Politics. Robert Boyle and Isaac Newton were considered such.
[18] Fanciful notion
[19] Gas
[20] Belching
[21] Smaller sea-going vessels
[22] Garments
[23] Job 1:20
[24] Sunspots
[25] Drugs to restrain bowel movements
[26] Medicinal solutions, usually alcoholic, for the treatment of the bowel
[27] An early version of a Citizens’ Fire Brigade
[28] Similar to modern sausages
[29] A form of trap
[30] Sedan chairs
[31] A piece of magnetic oxide used as a magnet. As several scholars have suggested, Swift’s ideas on magnetism might derive from William Gilbert’s De Magnete (1600).
[32] An early version of the thermometer
[33] Fine linen
[34] Bows
[35] Black
[36] The north coast of Africa
[37][37] German religious reformer
[38] Astonishment or surprise
[39] Science
[40] Blacksmith’s
[41] Fuel
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